What am I doing? Seriously?
Someone have a word will you?! I'm writing things people won't read, recording things people won't watch and asking for people to consider me for speaking about things people aren't bothered about.
After a double rejection from the Festival of Education (tickets from here: https://educationfest.co.uk/tickets), I find myself taking another look at my career and what on earth I have to offer that anyone might be interested in. All things considered it's a poor show. I did have the potential for some big speaking opportunities but a political storm meant that I had to stick to my principles over and above the opportunity to share my thinking. Who do I think I am?! Share my thinking?!
What part of me is compelled to shout into the void and to expect respect for it? I'm deeply insecure, I must be.
I love working on the concepts of vulnerable and authentic leadership - a recent conversation with the venerable Oli Caviglioli lead to me question the very motive behind my activism; to almost examine the mens rea of my day to day actions that have resulted in the platform on which I am publishing this blog post. He told me to take a risk. So here it is:
I am here. I am working hard to improve the lives of the people I teach and those that I lead. But clearly that's not enough for me. What part of me is compelled to shout into the void and to expect respect for it? I'm deeply insecure, I must be. Because when I'm not credited for a quote or thought process or even for a role that is crucial yet invisible, it really hurts.
There are practitioners out there, namely my Coaching Unpacked buddies Adam and Sarah and some others, who openly credit thought pioneers - people who have contributed to conversations and thinking that the person has then formed into a series of thoughts. I admire this openness and eagerly look for my name if I know I've been a part of the process: dancing when I do, and crashing when I don't.
At heart, I'm a performer. Something inside me requires the applause after the insurmountable effort made during a song or speech and I'm ok with that. For some, it's an awkward situation they would rather avoid and - let's face it - there are some that are not made for a podcast or keynote, panel member or workshop. But I am. There's vulnerability for you: I am and I'm damn good at it. But no one ever asks.
So I decided to put myself out there yesterday: no point moping around. An hour on Canva (pro free for education!) later and I think I have something respectable. I'm the proudest Deputy Head in the land ... but I also teach 0.8 timetable so my time isn't as it would be for a large MAT; I can't go to every conference as a guest to show my face and network which means I don't get asked.
I mean, cringe central right?
I don't suffer with embarrassment, my performing arts background ensures that shame and pride merge together in some weird clump of please let me speak.
But I do have voice. I do have something to say and think it's important. I'm ecstatic to be speaking, with my EduPulse buddy Adam, at TDaPE Manchester (huge thanks to the Kieran and the team and tickets here) about a new tool we've been building for vulnerable and authentic leadership. I'm excited to share our thinking, to thank those that have shaped it and to see how we can help other leaders embrace what this blog is about. I need validation and that's something about my personality I really cannot stand. But it is there: it's part of me.
Perhaps, maybe, my need for validation is something telling me that my work and my thinking is important and that people will benefit from it; that I need to be more confident in my offer.
Hello, my name is Chris and I am a Deputy Head who loves to speak about virtually anything ... please say hello, it makes me feel better.
Maybe it's as the film Field of Dreams says ... if you build it, they will come ...
... and yes. If people read this and don't post it or retweet (some of the stuff I see endorsed i just ...) then I will absolutely feel like I've failed. That's on me, though.
(Share the damn post!)
תגובות